::Diptheria Dreaming Tue Sep 26 13:57:35 2006
    Hi folks and wherefore find you I but from Newark Delaware US. So far I got a place to stay, a student card, a phone number, a permanent social security number and some bread- everything you need to survive in the US! I even scored a bike to ride to work across campus- and it's a nice ride too! Today I nearly ran over a squirrel! How humourous. The guys I'm staying with are the funniest seppo grommets- on Saturday night I went to my first "kegger" and then on Sunday we drove for 2 hours to Ocean City New Jersey to go surfing. Picture this: grey sand, 2 drainpipes heading out to sea like metal spinal cords, factories, dilapidated barnyards and the brownest most fetid freaking water you ever dared put your head under. I think there must be some sediment in the water or something cos I can't believe it's possible for water to be THAT polluted. Maybe I'm just naive. It was a pretty strong current too so a constant paddle to stay between the drainpipes. While we were out a storm blew up and the sky went black as sin with lightning bolts on the horizon. The whole thing was a little bit like surfing the apocalypse. Next thing however in lieu of the 4 horsemen came swimming along this little pod of dolphins! I couldn't believe it, it was so beautifully incongruous. Hurricane florence had whipped up some head high waves so we had a few fun ones. Americans are the easiest people in the world to charm if you're an Aussie- you just have to start talking. First question I was asked was how to say "take a piss" in Aussie. "Have a slash," said I. Next they asked about a toilet so I told them "thunderbox" and then they were all "what do you call like, a wicked farrrt?" so I told them "humdinger". Ha ha... now they're all walking around speaking the funniest Australian. So far the thing that's caused most confusion is when I referred to "the bird walking out of the servo". Since Americans require all their sentences twice as long as necessary, they didn't understand til I translated "the female perambulating briskly from the gas station convenience store". It was then I realised what a sexy word perambulating is.

::Pachinko Fri Jul 8 18:50:39 2005
    Did anyone ever notice the similarity between the japanese 'arigato' and the portuguese 'abrigado'? or is it just me? Before I forget, steph wanted me to say she avoided the London bombings by being fast asleep. Blanket bay is always a nice place to be. So, anyway, Japan is one of those countries where you have to take off your shoes at the front door. So two hours after I arrive, I go downstairs to find my shoes have been stolen. Great system. Anyway, after having my shoes stolen and nearly being killed by terrorists I thought it must be time for some good luck. Walking around Kyoto I found all these Pachinko parlours. Pachinko is like a cross between poker machines and pinball, there's all these little ball bearings that roll down nails and you have to land them in all these holes and things. I put in 500 yen and all these attendants were trying to teach me to play and standing around laughing and stuff, and next thing all the lights were flashing and ball bearings were literally pouring out of this thing, overflowing my bucket and going all over the floor. I got really scared and stood up and stopped playing, all the attendants were laughing and sitting me down again, and anyway I went for about half an hour and had four full buckets overflowing with ball bearings. Eventually I decided I had to get out of there and still I had no idea what to do with all these ball bearings. An attendant took them off me and put them in a counting machine and I had over 9000! Then he took me downstairs and a hand came out of a spooky slot in the wall and gave me 20 000 yen!! That's like a 3900% return on investment! (about 250 aussie dollars) So now I'm walking around with all this cash I withdrew at the airport and won on Pachinko. This place is so funny. But great. Sorry for all the emails, I'm awake at 5 in the morning and don't know what else to do. Today I think I'll buy some new shoes.

::London Bombings Thu Jul 7 23:23:47 2005
    Hi everyone, got a couple of queries so... I was on the tube in London early yesterday when the explosions happened, but luckily not at any of the affected stations so I'm all ok apart from a bit in shock. There was something funny happening with the signals on the tube near Wendel's at Balham, so me and about 1000 others packed onto overground trains to Victoria station. As a result, Victoria was absolutely CHOCKERS. if something had happened there.... then the piccadilly line was not running properly either. So it took about 1hr 45 to get to Heathrow and i arrived about 9.10, about20 mins after the attacks. When i got to Heathrow I found out they had shut the whole tube down so I must have been one of the last trains. Anyway, got to Helsinki ok, and now I'm in Kyoto, Japan. Also, Wendel left London the same morning before me and landed safely in Ireland. Mum and Dad last I heard were trying to fly from France to London on the afternoon of the 7th, did you guys stay in France? Steph could you fill me in? Should any extremist freaks stumble across this website... go fuck yourselves!! losers

::Pretzelcorp.com Honoured by New Pope Thu Jun 30 11:39:34 2005
    The incoming Pope Benedict XIII today praised www.pretzelcorp.com describing it as "a great bastion of free cyberspeech" and declaring it also to be "wholly endorsed by the catholic church". His comments have been welcomed by Rational Matthew describing his holiness as "not such a deadshit after all". Church groups have also welcomed the comments with one archbishop admitting he spent "countless hours" in front of the computer, presumably at this website.

::Bonnie Scotland Thu Jun 30 11:35:27 2005
    Hi everyone, I'm in St Andrews in bonnie Scotland right now. Yep so I've been moving around, sue me. It's pretty as a picture here and everything is drenched in fog which lends extra atmosphere, there's a wonderful castle and a uni and the worlds oldest golf course. That's probably wrong but who amongst you know better? I didn't think so. I just came from Edinburgh and that was just wonderful as well! ** I've been spending time visiting my beautiful sister and my brother who is much larger compared to when I last saw him. In fact it looks like he's been whiling away the hours wrestling grizzly bears. He's still very handsome though and very popular amongst the ladies too. (you didn't hear that from me though) I went to Wimbledon! Yep, the world's oldest tennis tournament (that's probably wrong). I got to stand around on court 2 and tried to sneak into centre court (of course) but got in trouble with some naval officers who were guarding the entrances. I did get to see Amelie Mauresmo the french bird playing doubles and I saw Williams vs Pierce from the hillside on the big screen which was good too. All the other players I saw I never heard of. They were good at tennis though? I don't know, I don't know tennis. ** So anyway, I still have to tell you about San Sebastian, Biarritz, Bordeaux and Paris, me and Brad had a great time. But more next time. This email stuff is hard work. Sheesh. It's been very hot! Great. Summer is good. Winter not good. Me like it here

::Spanish Adventures Thu Jun 30 11:33:54 2005
    Hey freaks and freakettes Hope you are all feeling well and happy. A few stories from life on the road: Barcelona was so funny, man that place was so chaotic. After the conference I moved from our gothic castle to hostel kabul for a few nights. It was just mental. Filled with more than a few US frat boys with beer bongs, but they were having a shocker, smashed so early and passing out early in the corridors, then full of bullshit the next morning in the showers about the girls they had hooked up with. on the last night we had a big room party with spanish cava champagne and had a blast. The crazy thing was it was Monday night and Placa Reial outside was absolutely chockers with revellers. I don't know where they all come from. Drinking and smoking hash in front of the cops. At 3am they turned the lights out resulting in a deafening cheer from the crowds who hung around til 7 anyway. So funny.... it so needs to be shut down. Imagine being a resident. Crikey! ** headed cross country to san sebastian in the spanish basque country. It looks totally different from the rest of spain, much greener and more mountainous, I loved it. You can tell the basque girls cos they have blue eyes and blonde hair and these wierd mullet fringey hairstyles. The basque guys are kinda nondescript On the beautiful beach they have all these pontoons you can swim out too with slippery-dips and stuff. There were these Irish girls out there and they were cooking chicken for dinner. We were like 'wow we were just talking about how long it's been since we had a nice chicken dinner' and after I had to rescue one of the girls who couldn't quite make it back to shore (swimming was never the strength of the Irish) they asked us over for dinner which was very nice of them indeed. San Seb rocks at night, the tapas bars are unbelievable and it was stinking hot so the beach was all time. Also on every street corner is an aussie employed to give out drinks vouchers to entice tourists into the bars. Instead they always told us the best places to go which was usually not the bar employing them. ** We went to Bilbao to see the Guggenheim museum. Modern art rocks man. There was supposed to be Picasso there too which was a lie! Death from above then. ** My sister's outside whinging at me to come to Wimbledon with her. More stories later then. Love, Matthew

::Bathed in Fog Mon Jun 13 13:29:12 2005
    Hola freaks! Hostel Kabul is truly pumping......... rock n roll dudes yeeehaaa sick as etc. This place is full of frat boys from the US, so excuse my vocab. Just came back from the mountains of Montserrat where they built a ridiculous monastery on top of the mountain 1000 years ago. Today it was shrouded in fog and as we stood at the top of the mountain the cold mist blew up to meet us and cooled us from the Spanish summer.

::Go to the Hell Tue Nov 9 07:35:09 2004
    you bastard monks

::Down Under and Feeling Up Wed Jun 30 01:55:19 2004
    Rational Matthew here. Well the hag of winter has come to greet us and what do we find but she has softened her approach. We find her quiet, unassuming and evidently rehabilitated in a similar manner to Muammar Gaddafi. Gone is the cold face and icy gaze. Today is warm and smoke hangs in the air in a summery manner. I hope you are having a pleasant winter, or if you are in the north as some of you no doubt are, summer.

::All Work Ad Nauseum Add Drunkenness Laddie Sat May 8 11:42:41 2004
    You guys are farked. Nah, just ripper tanked a second after several beers tonight. Jetlag, I hate it. Will make a virile young man approach a dull consistency extremely soonly. Gracie that little monkey moved again today so helping his moving process all day. All work no play etc dull boy maketh. Mita kuluu. I wish I were, overseas for sure. Hi to all you freaks in London. And the States too, hello, and let me hear from you.

::Land Down Under Tue May 4 22:34:49 2004
    Back in Oz once again. Ain't that grand. Still warmth (while it lasts) and surf can soften the blow. I hope. Things at uni are alright, trying to get my arse back in the lab again after the hiatus. By the end of this week for sure.

::Spring is Sprunken Wed Apr 21 06:54:10 2004
    Had a fun time in Inari with Outi's sister Riina and her boyfriend Alex, and their dog Luna who only understands German, since Alex is German. Thus you had to say Halt for Stay and Nein! when the dog does something bad. Needless to say I only spoke to Luna using my best Rammstein voice. Speaking of Luna doing bad things, she had the interesting ability (or tendency) to eat just about anything. When we were out, she chewed up my toiletries bag and drank a whole bottle of our massage oil and ate 4 condoms out of their wrappers. I thought this was very funny but Riina and Alex were concerned enough to induce the dog to vomit and so then we went looking through a pile of oily dog vomit, smelling like sweet oil fragrance, to count if 4 condoms were in it. All the condoms were present but I was most dismayed to find them full of holes! (That will probably be the wittiest comment in this entry.) Riina's boyfriend Alex works in a husky farm and took us dog-sledding one day, which was a most agreeable way to travel the white tundra until the dogs went beserk when we went past a herd of reindeer, and threw Alex from his sled, nearly losing him the sled and 6 dogs, since once they go they don't stop. Mad freaking dogs. The 6 dogs on mine and outi's sled were a mother and her children. Up front with the mother was a dog who looked strangely not like a husky at all, in fact he looked suspiciously like his father was the fox out of Little Red Riding Hood! What big teeth you have! Guess what his name was? Fox! He was the apprentice sled leader, learning from his mother, and he had such a good attitude. He looked so funny amongst the other pure bred huskies that he quickly became my favourite. Godspeed Fox!! (tear) Spent the last few days in Saariselka (in Lapland) snowboarding. They had the sickest board park, and a nice half-pipe too. Finland has some freakish snowboarders, doing amazing tricks off kickers big enough to send you into orbit. Back in Outi's parent's home in the south now. We have aborted a trip to London to see Wendel because the cost was just ridiculous. Believe me, unless you book weeks in advance, Ryanair and those other cheap airlines are not the saviour you think they are. In fact I'm declaring my hate for all airlines and their stupid procedures. Um yeah. The good news is, we are hitting Tallinn in Estonia for one night, just like last year, for that little eastern europe kick. Hooray! Then I'm home on the 27th. Hope youse freaks is all orright.

::Finnish All-Time Thu Apr 15 13:34:34 2004
    Back in Oulu and getting drunk in preparation for the Don Johnson Big Band gig tonight! Staying with Ammi, an old friend of Outi. Had a fun time in Inari with Outi's sister Riina, and their dog who understood only German and ate a bottle of our massage oil and 4 condoms while we were out. I never met a dog that would go that far, serious commitment I thought. Riina's boyfriend Alex works in a husky farm and took us dog-sledding one day, which was a most agreeable way to travel the white tundra until the dogs went beserk when we went past a herd of reindeer, and threw Alex from his sled, nearly losing him the sled and 6 dogs, since once they go they don't stop. Mad freaking dogs. Spent the last few days in Saariselka (in Lapland) snowboarding. They had the sickest board park, and a nice half-pipe too!

::Happy Easter Everyone Fri Apr 9 07:33:07 2004
    Now is the time to remember that Jesus died on the cross this day and its ramifications for modern child abuse philosophy as he was born on Christmas day thus making him only 4 months old at the time of his death. Bloody disgraceful. In other news, I was got a beauty on April Fools day by those deceptive and quite sinister girls Outi and Kaarina. We went looking for blueberries in the forest at about 9 at night under the pretence of making a pie. I thought this was very strange since it was really dark and about one foot of snow was on top of any blueberries if they even existed at all, but just thought it was some cultural difference or something so kept my mouth shut. When we returned home without any berries they asked if I could go and pick some from the garden (also covered in a foot of snow) while they prepared the pie inside. Being a gentleman and a gullible one at that I agreed. They gave me a bowl and a little spade for digging in the snow. I dug in the snow for awhile and but thought nothing except that the little spade was a very poor tool for such a task and why hadn't the Finns come up with something more useful than that for the task. Then suddenly I thought that something was very wrong here. I leaned in the window and asked timidly if this was an April Fools joke, and the girls pissed themselves laughing. The bitches, ha ha. In Oulu we also went ice-hole swimming in a frozen river. It was so damn cold getting undressed in the snow, and then the water was only 4 degrees. Kaarina's brother had a camera but only managed to photograph Kaarina since me and Outi weren't in the water for long enough. I dived in in my boardies and it felt like an explosion had gone off inside me it was so cold. I ran out of the snowy river bank and couldn't even feel my feet touching the ground. It was the strangest sensation! And it took about 2 minutes before I could feel my legs again! But afterwards with the blood pumping it was possible to stand around just in boardies in 0C air temperature and feel totally warm. One other funny thing about ice-hole dipping is that Outi was once asked in English what she had spent her day doing and she said "Ass-hole dipping" by mistake! Anyway when your legs are straighter you're on a winner.

::Northern Lights Thu Apr 8 05:52:22 2004
    The weather here is truly unbelievable, 7 days of the clearest driest weather ever with the temps starting to reach the early pluses. So I've been doing some serious Aurora (northern lights) hunting! We visited Outi's cousin Kaarina in a beautiful city called Oulu which is about halfway up the length of finland, maybe 100km from the arctic cirlce. Leaving the house on Saturday night I was watching a plane leave a vapour trail across the full moon as if to scar the night right down the middle. Suddenly the sky lit up with Northern lights, a huge green and red curtain which grew to fill the entire sky! I never had any idea something could be so beautiful. At one point a huge lilac flower opened above us as if summoning us to heaven. With the full moon and stars and everything else! Needless to say lately I've been annoying Outi and everyone else by staying out half the night to watch for the aurora. We went to visit Outi's grandma, seriously out in the sticks, in a beautiful place called Juorkuna. Apart from the full moon, it was seriously dark there due to no streetlights or city lights and with incredible clear weather so the scene was set. Unfortunately despite depriving myself of sleep and getting a sore neck from looking up and a cold back from lying in the snow I didn't see much lights, only on the last night when a pretty green curtain lit up the frozen lake. We are now in Inari again!! This is way up in Lapland, wild frontier country. This is the quirky town where we met Pistol Packing Neo Nazi Homosexual Bikie Pete last year which some of you will remember. Luckily so far I haven't seen him and hopefully won't lest he remember my failure to accept his invitation of a sauna in his summer cottage and jam donut he offered me last year, and then let his knuckledusters talk for him. Well, anyway, what a surprise to hop off the bus late last night and have Northern lights in a nasty rainbow formation above us... another sleepless night. We are staying with Riina now, Outi's sister, and she has a field out the back of the house which makes great viewing. The moonrise has moved back to the early hours of the morning so the sky will be most excellent if the clouds stay away. Other non-aurora stuff has been happening, more on that soon

::Oulu- Making Me Feel so Natural Thu Apr 1 12:00:49 2004
    In Oulu now and staying with Outi's cousin Kaarina. The city is tres magnifique and the weather is blue and yellow although today the temp hit -8C this morning... Crikey! Being a very silly man indeed I left my alien life natural philosophy book on the train, after getting to within 20 pages of the end. That's the bad news. The good? I got it back again! Hooray for efficient Finnish infrastructure.

::X-Country Mon Mar 29 14:19:22 2004
    Woah! The temperature here hit a balmy 8C today! Watched an excellent film today called Das Boot about a German U-boat crew in WW2. First film I ever saw from the German perspective. English dubbing was pretty terrible but also funny in a strange way. In other news, we've been doing some cross country skiing and it's very excellent indeed. Beautiful runs through the trees and the snow was hanging on the branches yesterday... although it's melting fast now.

::Ice Age Sat Mar 27 06:09:00 2004
    Well I'm now at Outi's parents' house in Suonenjoki which is a very small country town indeed. It was nice hanging at the uni at Joensuu in such a unique part of the world as Karelia (half of which has been part of Russia for the past century and has much worse living conditions being on the forsaken periphery of the Soviet Union and now the Russian Federation). We also spent some time in a beautiful place called Mönni 30km north of Joensuu which has the most spectacular view over a frozen lake and forest. It was the sort of place that Mum and Aunty Wendy would go apeshit over. We spent the time there ice skating, kick sledding and walking in snowshoes. The other day we went to Koli National park which has the best landscape in all of Finland. Freaking amazing, just a huge huge lake and beautiful mountains and some great ski runs. Hired a board for the day and had some sick powder, Outi was on skis and is a serious speed demon, there was no way I could keep up with her. She has this infuriating ability to be excellent at everything, ha ha. On the last run I thought I thought I'd hit this jump much harder than before and stacked big time in front of all these stunned people at the bottom of the lift. Then I got up in a daze and crashed though a whole bunch of skis and poles that were outside the restaurant at the bottom of the lift. I think I must have looked a strange man indeed to do such a thing. I think my English ability is waning. Anyway I been doing some driving, 70km back to Mönni from Koli and then another 120km yesterday on the way here to Suonenjoki. So I'm getting some right side experience and also getting some sideways action on ice. Wendel and Bunj would think it were fully sick.

::Paljön Lunta Mon Mar 22 05:14:37 2004
    That means lots of snow. The temp has dropped a bit and it is snowing really a lot, little cold white feathers pouring from the sky. The wet stuff has frozen up a bit into a sort of crust, so the walking is a bit easier. Been spending some time at Mönni, 30km off into the countryside, which has a great view over a forest and frozen lake. But back in Joensuu now.

::Walking in a Winter Wonderland Fri Mar 19 07:52:43 2004
    Back in Finland now and there's snow and ice everywhere, hooray! Just went and checked out the price of some snowboards and they are all 50% off and only around €250 to start with, looks like not everything is expensive here so I'm very excited about that. Flights were very fantastic indeed, met a guy from Korea who I hung out with in Tokyo and had a great time during my 6 hour wait for the next flight. Then we flew low over Tokyo after takeoff with mount fuji out my window and the sun shining. I had 3 seats to myself so 2 hours later was lying back sipping French wine with Appetite for Destruction on the headphones and watching Siberia's snowy desert slip past endlessly below. Shit yeah! Met my beautiful baby Outi in Helsinki and she went to a porpoise seminar there yesterday so I went walking around the city to kill a few hours. Helsinki is really beautiful, the architecture is amazing and even more so in winter with snow everywhere and all the lakes iced over. Went to what was described as a sandy beach close the city and couldn't even recognise it as a beach with all the snow. I thought I had somehow reached another frozen lake when I realised what I was looking at was the Baltic Sea- totally frozen over! Later on we went down to the harbour and it was a soup of ice and snow. It seems that doesn't stop the shipping, we got on a ferry out to Suomenlinna fortress and this little boat just went plowing a course through the ice sheet like it was nothing! It was very much good as Kim my new friend from Korea would say. At a little city called Joensuu now, 6 hours north-east of Helsinki, look at the Finnish-Russian border on a map and let your eyes trail up. I'm on a computer at the uni and Outi has gone to a lecture. I just want to go outside and roll in the snow.